Saturday, March 8, 2008

Your parents hate each other

Yup, I said it... Your parents hate each other. Don't deny it. You know it's true. If not hate, then at least can't stand. It was just today that I came to the following realization:
I know zero happily married couples. None, nada, zilch.

My favorite line of all unhappily married couples is "No marriage is perfect but ours is pretty good." Bull shit. That's like telling me getting kicked in the balls is never great but if you do it this way it isn't so bad.
I wish I could read minds. Not only would I make a killing at the poker tables but I would love to see all the nasty little secrets all the marriages have around me. I live in Ward and June Cleaver-Ville where everybody (except me) has 2.5 kids, a dog, and a beige house. Well, the beige house I have but not the kids or the dog, and everybody puts on this great facade but then forget that our houses are only millimeters apart and everyone can hear when they fight about him going out drinking with his buddies (which I whole heartedly support) and her banging the tennis pro. What in the hell is the point?
What are they trying to prove here?
We all know that marriage ends up with everybody involved miserable yet we always think we will be the ones to break the cycle. Are we that retarded. Thankfully I have never been sucked into the black hole of eternal monogamy, though it was a close call, and even though I always wanted a wife and 2.5 kids, recently I've really begun to question that. Think about it this way:

Scenario one is that you get married, you have kids (optional), get divorced, die

Scenario two is you get married, have kids (once again optional) stay married and be miserable, die.

Scenario three, the "best case scenario" get married, kids yadda yadda yadda, you live happily ever after, watch the love of your life die (or visa versa).

Or scenario four, stay single, fuck like a bunny, drink with your buddies, pray to God in heaven you don't add any more kids to this already overpopulated and pussified world, die happily, being shot to death at the age of 102 by a jealous husband.

I'll take scenario four thank you very much. I just don't think it's worth it anymore. Not that I can see anyway. To all of my married friends... best of luck on your journey, you'll need it. And don't raise you kids to be pussies or ass holes or I will be royally pissed. To all my buddies so wrapped up in vagina they have to sit down to piss, and plan on getting married, good luck to you too. I'm sure you will be the one to break the cycle and show the rest of us how the marriage game is played.
And oh yeah, if any of you can refute this, and say that marriage is a great thing and that it works, please, by all means try. But I will defend it with all the knowledge I have of your mom in the donkey show in Tijuana and your dad's cub scout fetish. Bring it on, Mr. Cleaver.