Salt 'N' Peppa's here

In a break from my typically serious and often time angry blogs, I want to take a quick diversion and talk about something fun.

I want to talk about sex. Let's face it, we all want it, we need it, we spend a hell of a lot of time thinking about it and how to get it... yet pound for pound it creates more problems in our life than just about anything else. From one buddy who just "couldn't get off" when he wore a condom so didn't, who subsequently had to have a long Q-tip shoved up his pee hole, to the numerous rug rats I know that, for lack of a better term were "oopses", sex just seems to have a never ending sequence of bad side effects that smack us in the face.

There is the awkward silence at the water cooler the next morning.
Painful urination.
Infidelity, leading to divorce, leading to "HALF!"
Disappointed families.
The waking up next to somebody you generally would not wake up next to. (Please the the often forwarded picture of the two passed out frat guys, half naked in bed, one with his hand down the other's boxers)
Arrests in prostitution stings.
Oh yeah and death.

All of these things we willingly endure for the half hour or so of fun and a few seconds of toe-curling Oh My GOD!

I realized however, at least for guys, that it starts at a young age. If you had an Italian grandmother you know that a penis was meant for peeing, not touching. If you were say, oh I dunno, five and in the tub, and you touched it (your own mind you), you would most likely be greeted with a loud and thunderous "DON'T TOUCH THAT!"

Then as we get to middle school, touching it took on a whole new meaning. Which of course led to a cloak and dagger style, top secret mission of finding the time, place, and appropriate cover up technique. And while generally parents don't resort to bells on the hands the way they did in the Renaissance, you still had to be careful because there is nothing worse than having some quality man to hand time and having your mom walk in on you. Now while I never really had a bad experience like that, one buddy of mine... busted 4 times... poor bastard. And to top it all off, you had to deny it to your buddies 'cuz man, you were gay if you jerked off in middle school. Gay I say. All of that for something that made your arm tired and really is more of a pain in the ass than anything. Except of course for the last few seconds at the end. But some how those few seconds made it worth it. And don't even get me started on what I saw at summer camp.

Enter high school, when those lucky enough to get laid did so with great clumsiness and much bragging. Nobody denied slapping the salami any more but still you had to resort to the same 007 skills you learned in middle school. We did what we could to get laid, often with the help of alcohol. But if you did, then you had the rumor mill. There was one kid, whose name will not be mentioned here, who had a tiny dick and the whole school knew. I mean tiny the way some small woodland animals have tiny dicks. He slept with one girl and the rumor began. Slept with a second girl and rumor became high-school lore. And while he probably makes more money than I do, I can go to sleep at night knowing that my schlong dwarfs his, and therefor, I am more of a man. Make sense? Good.

We didn't have the problem of teenage pregnancy in my high school at least not publicly. In my high school if a girl had gotten knocked up it would have been taken care of very quietly. That was the way of the world for the kids I went to school with. Money fixes everything. But elsewhere you run that risk all the time, without the nice quiet answer. High school, college, and beyond. Everybody knows the risks and for a roll in the hay, is willing to take them. It can't be the natural drive to procreate, like some would have you believe all sex is for, because that wouldn't explain why gays would have the drive. Rather I think it's far more base. It feels good. Simple as that. Some people like it for the simple physical feeling and that is all there is to it. I on the other hand, find the psychological aspect just as attractive. Either way, psychologically or physically, it feels good.

And we, on the whole, get totally blinded by whatever it is that drives us to it. How many buddies have I warned not to mess around with a particular girl? Countless. Did they listen? Nope. Was I right? Yep. In the words of the great poet, Anthony Ray, "Don't pet the cat, if you just met the cat. But if you're already sprung on the cat, well then you might as well eat the cat." Some sage advice, Mix-A-Lot, however the final line of the shows our weakness as guys. Follow your hose... it always knows.

So there is no answer. We will always do what we can to get sex, consequences be damned. Some of us are more careful than others but we all make mistakes on behalf of our cocks. From cradle to grave, there is a reason our dicks stand out in front of us. They are there to lead the way. To be the beacon on the hill. Such as it was, so it is now, and so shall it always be. Forever and ever. Amen